Mike, Where the Hell Have You Been?

It's a long story. Basically I spent a week in the hospital with a range of ailments, some of which they still haven't figured out yet. Diverticulitis, kidney stones, some sort of mystery infection that would cause my temperature to spike to 103 for no reason, and what they think might be mono, a.k.a. mononucleosis. I haven't known anyone with mono since I was in high school. And who the hell have I been sucking face with that I would get it? Uh...nobody. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that while I was in there they decided they might as well operate on an umbilical hernia that I've had for about 4 years or so.

After convalescing at home for a couple of days after my release, I decided it was time to go back to work. My wife wanted to kill me, but if I'm gone too long I get waaaayyy behind. And I can't afford to do that. Well, yesterday I had a follow-up with the surgeon and while I'm driving the 30 miles from my work to the doc's office, about halfway there I get this pain in my back like Andre the Giant has grabbed ahold of my kidney and starts to squeeze. That's right, kids...a kidney stone worked it's way loose and was trying to find its way out and was having alot of trouble hitting the hole I might add. And by the time I reached the doc's office if felt like Andre had an even better grip and was jabbing a knife from my kidneys all the way down through my nads. So they ended up having to wheel me from the doc's office to the ER. Which, luckily, are within the same building complex.

They say that passing a kidney stone for a guy is equivalent to childbirth. Oh really? Do I get a fuckin' epidural too? That might have helped some. It's got to be pretty bad when I'll admit there was pain, but when it's so bad it makes me puke, you know there's a pretty heavy amount of pain involved. When I was in the hospital the first time I was offered Morphine and then Percocet. I refused them both because I didn't want narcotics put into my body. But last night when they offered me a prescription for Vicodin, you know I jumped on that mofo. I took one last night and it didn't do shit really. This morning I started getting those pains again, so I popped 2. I've felt no pain the rest of the day.